Building Self-Worth: Independence from External Validation
In a world saturated with constant feedback—from the gold stars in childhood classrooms to the performance reviews in our careers—it's easy to find ourselves depending on external validation. For so many of us, our self-worth hinges on recognition from the world around us. Our sense of self-worth can become so intertwined with others' opinions that the essence of who we are and our personal value becomes obscured. Without external affirmations, who are we? How do we gain an accurate and fair view of ourselves and how do we know how we’re doing? In this blog post, we will review some tips and exercises that will allow us to shift from seeking external approval to fostering an unshakeable inner assurance.
Why External Validation Becomes a Crutch
From our earliest moments, society teaches us to look outward for approval. Whether it's pleasing parents, teachers, or peers, we learn to gauge our success and worth by external standards. This conditioning can lead to a dependence that diminishes our ability to validate ourselves internally. But what happens when the applause fades? How do we affirm ourselves in the quiet moments of solitude?
The Path to Self-Validation: Insights from a Therapist
Therapy can be a transformative tool in unravelling the threads of external dependency to reveal and strengthen the fabric of our intrinsic self-worth. Here are some therapeutic strategies that can guide you on this journey:
1. Self-Discovery through talk therapy: A therapist can help you explore fundamental questions about your identity, such as "Who am I independently of what others think?" and "What intrinsic qualities do I value in myself?" This exploration fosters an understanding that your worth is not contingent on external validation.
2. Tracking and identifying when you feel your best: Keep a daily record of the moments in each day when you feel your best. Focus particularly on moments devoid of external praise. Whether it's while engaging in a hobby, performing at work, or cooking a meal, noticing these patterns can highlight the activities and roles that inherently fuel you and bolster your self-esteem. With each of the activities or moments that you identify, ask yourself; “What part of myself/ what personality trait am I displaying here?” “What does this say about me?” For example, if you notice you feel best when painting, you may identify that you value your creativity. If you feel best when making your partner a meal you may value your caring nature. Make a list of these activities so that you can actively engage in them to boost your self-esteem. Also make note of the traits and parts of yourself you identify. You will begin to reveal a list of traits that you value in yourself.
3. Balancing the Feedback Scale: We often dismiss positive feedback while magnifying criticism, creating an imbalanced self-perception. By actively recognizing this and noticing the ways we dismiss forms of positive feedback, you can begin to develop a more balanced view of yourself.
4. Reducing Reassurance Seeking: Challenge yourself to rely less on others for affirmation. This might involve trusting your judgment more and refraining from seeking reassurance from others. Each step in this direction reinforces our ability to provide ourself with internal validation and self-assurance.
5. Engaging in 'Feared Fantasy' Exercises: This exercise involves visualizing scenarios where you face criticism or disapproval. Instead of shrinking back, imagine confidently standing your ground. What would you say? How would you uphold your self-worth? How would you defend yourself? Practicing these responses can bolster your resilience against real-life challenges to your self-esteem.
The process of building self-worth and self assurance is something that requires commitment and patience. It is difficult to break ingrained patterns and dependance on external validation! With professional guidance and intentional practice, you can cultivate a robust sense of self that thrives on internal satisfaction and self-recognition. Begin working towards building your self-worth and ability to self-validate today with the help of one of our therapists.
