Emotional Limerence vs. Real Love: How to Date Without Losing Yourself in Obsession
Ok, does this sound familiar?: You meet someone new, there’s a spark, and suddenly, they’re on your mind all the time. You find yourself daydreaming about a future with them. You become consumed with whether they’re interested in you or not. You’re analyzing their texts, overthinking their tone. You’re on an emotional roller coaster, feeling euphoric when you hear from them but crushed when you don’t.
You might be experiencing limerence, an intense emotional fixation that can feel like love but often has more to do with longing than real connection.
Limerence is exhilarating but can also be disorienting—pulling you into a fantasy world where you mistake chemistry for compatibility. Let’s break it down: what’s happening in your brain, why it’s so addictive, and how to date without getting ruled by this state.
What Is Limerence? (And Why Does It Feel So Intense?)
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term “limerence” in the 1970s, describing it as a state of romantic obsession, idealization, and emotional dependency on a person—sometimes even when you don’t know them well.
Think of it as infatuation on steroids, driven by:
Brain Chemistry Overload – Limerence triggers dopamine surges, the same reward system involved in addiction (Fisher et al., 2016). No wonder it feels intoxicating!
Fantasy vs. Reality – The limerent brain idealizes the person, focusing on their best traits and ignoring red flags.
The Thrill of Uncertainty – The “will-they-won’t-they” dynamic keeps the brain hooked, much like a gambler chasing the next jackpot.
While limerence is natural in early attraction, unchecked, it can distort our sense of self-worth and decision-making in dating.
Limerence vs. Love: How to Tell the Difference
Not sure if what you’re feeling is a healthy attraction or emotional obsession? Here are some key differences:
Limerence:
Obsessive thoughts. Fantisizing about the future. Feels like a rollercoaster, Based on idealization. Anxiety over their attention. Fear of rejection dominates.
vs.
Healthy Love:
Steady, balanced connection. Feels secure and reciprocal. Based on reality and the present, including flaws. Comfort in mutual trust. Open, honest communication.
If your emotional state depends on their response—whether they text back, flirt, or give you attention—you might be in limerence territory.
How to Keep Limerence from Controlling Your Dating Life
1. Pause the Fantasy—What Do You Actually Know About Them?
Limerence thrives on projections—we fill in the gaps, assuming someone is perfect before we really know them.
Ground yourself in reality: Make a list of what you know vs. what you’re assuming.
Check their actions, not words: Consistency is key. Do they show up emotionally, or is it hot-and-cold?
Remind yourself that attraction is not proof of compatibility.
Reality check: Would you be this obsessed if they weren’t mysterious, hard to get, or pulling away?
2. Give Your Brain a Dopamine Detox
Since limerence hijacks the brain’s reward system, it’s crucial to break the cycle of obsession.
Delay checking your phone—Put your phone on “do not disturb”, or try adjusting your phone settings to “hide notifications” from that person. Avoid re-reading messages or stalking their socials.
Break the addiction loop—Every time you seek a “hit” (their attention), redirect to something else.
Prioritize other sources of joy—Exercise, friends, hobbies, and creative outlets help rebalance your neurochemistry.
Science says: Studies show that reward-seeking behavior can reinforce emotional attachment, meaning the more you chase their attention, the stronger the fixation becomes (Acevedo & Aron, 2012).
3. Stop Looking for Validation in Their Attention
When you crave someone’s reciprocation more than the actual relationship, it’s a sign to refocus inward.
Practice affirming your own worth – Write down reasons you’re valuable outside of their attention.
Ask: Do they align with my values? Are they meeting my needs? Attraction isn’t enough for a healthy relationship.
Take the focus off romance – Pour energy into friendships, career, and passions.
Research backs this up: Self-compassion reduces attachment anxiety and helps people develop more secure, fulfilling relationships (Neff & Beretvas, 2013).
4. If You’re Stuck in the Push-Pull, Step Back
Limerence is often fueled by unavailability—whether the person is emotionally distant, inconsistent, or simply not as invested. This unpredictability keeps the brain hooked.
Red flags of an unhealthy dynamic:
You feel anxious when they don’t respond quickly.
They breadcrumb—giving just enough attention to keep you interested.
The relationship is fueled more by fantasy than real connection.
If someone leaves you feeling confused more than secure, it’s not love—it’s emotional limerence at work.
5. Give It Time (Limerence Naturally Fades!)
Here’s the good news: Limerence isn’t permanent. Studies show that the intensity usually peaks between 3-6 months and declines naturally unless reinforced (Tennov, 1979).
If you’re struggling to let go, remember:
Time will give you clarity.
No contact can speed up the process.
Therapy can help identify deeper emotional patterns and support you in building coping strategies.
You are more than someone’s attention. The right person will meet you in the middle—not keep you chasing.
Final Thoughts: Dating with Clarity, Not Obsession
Limerence can be a wild ride, but it doesn’t have to dictate your dating life. The key to breaking free from emotional obsession is self-awareness, emotional regulation, and choosing relationships based on reality—not just attraction.
Are you navigating limerence in dating? Share your experience in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts!
