Emotional Permanence in Relationships: Do You Still Love Me?
Within the realm of relationships, an intriguing concept emerges—emotional permanence. Rooted in the developmental theory of object permanence, emotional permanence delves into the continuity of emotions, specifically focusing on the enduring presence of feelings, such as love, despite changes in behaviour, absence, or conflicts within the relationship.
Understanding Emotional Permanence
In order to understand the concept of emotional permanence, we must first understand object permanence. In developmental psychology, object permanence stands as a cornerstone in understanding a child's cognitive growth. Coined by Jean Piaget, it refers to a child's ability to comprehend that objects continue to exist even when they're out of sight. Initially, infants lack this understanding and believe that when an object is no longer visible, it ceases to exist (think about the game peek-a-boo). As they mature, usually around the age of 8-12 months, they develop this cognitive ability, realizing that objects maintain their existence beyond immediate perception.
The concept of object permanence serves as a foundational link to the development of emotional permanence. Just as children develop trust in object permanence by repeatedly witnessing the reappearance of hidden objects, they also build trust in emotional permanence by observing the enduring presence of love amidst challenges or absence. Unfortunately, if children experience an emotionally inconsistent or unavailable caregiver growing up, they may not develop this understanding. Not only that, but this impacts the development of their nervous system. Since our nervous system is wired to seek safety and connection, and children literally can’t survive without their caregiver, an emotionally inconsistent or unavailable caregiver can lead to the development of an over-active and hypervigilant nervous system which sounds the alarms at any sign of emotional inconsistency or distance.
Challenges in Recognizing Emotional Permanence
So, what does that lead to in adult relationships? People with low emotional permanence can really struggle in relationships, frequently questioning the relationship's security and validity. In romantic relationships, if someone with emotional impermanence can’t clearly and directly see and feel their partner’s love, they assume it isn’t there, triggering an intense response from their nervous system. Some of the things that might trigger doubt or insecurity are:
Absence and Distance:
Physical distance, time apart from their partner, or prolonged periods without contact might challenge the belief in emotional permanence, leading to doubts about the continuity of feelings.
Changes in Communication:
Delays in communication in the form of a late reply to a text or phone call as well as any perceived changes in tone or frequency of communication may trigger uncertainty that their partner cares about them.
Conflicts and Misunderstandings:
During disagreements or conflicts, when emotions might not be expressed positively, it can become challenging to believe that underlying feelings, such as love, persist despite the discord.
Lack of Visible Affection:
When gestures of love or affection aren't overtly displayed, it can lead to uncertainty about the presence of underlying emotions.
Cultivating Emotional Permanence: Lessons from Childhood Development
It is possible to build emotional permanence in adulthood. This can happen through:
Reflective Practices:
Reflecting on your childhood and recognizing that you lack a sense of emotional permanence is the first step. Label it. This allows you to acknowledge that your feelings of fear and insecurity may come from your past and aren’t necessarily a reflection of your current relationships. Building self-compassion and reminding yourself that this is not your fault or your choice. It can be extremely painful to constantly question your partner’s care for you and you don’t deserve to struggle in this way. Working with a therapist can be really valuable in building awareness and self-compassion.
Consistency and Reassurance:
Similar to how repetition reinforces object permanence in children, consistent emotional support and reassurance in relationships strengthen the belief in enduring emotions. Consciously work towards building trust and understanding by acknowledging that emotions, particularly love, exist beyond what's immediately visible or expressed.
Communication and Understanding:
Encouraging open dialogue about emotions and acknowledging their continuity, even during conflicts or absences, fosters understanding and trust.
Self-Care and Self-Assurance:
Spending time alone and getting to know and appreciate yourself. Treating yourself with care and kindness can aid in dependency and fear of abandonment. Working with a therapist to gain support as you cultivate this relationship with yourself.
Nurturing the Belief in Enduring Love
Emotional permanence in relationships is an acknowledgment and belief in the constancy of emotions, particularly love, beyond transient circumstances. It's about recognizing that love exists even when it's not actively shown, during conflicts, or in periods of absence.
Attachment trauma and various obstacles within relationships can pose challenges to the development of emotional permanence. However, it is possible for individuals to work towards healing and fostering trust in the continuity of emotions within relationships. Your early caregivers have a significant impact on your development of emotional permanence, but by building awareness of this and drawing parallels between childhood experiences and emotional understanding in relationships, individuals can nurture and strengthen the belief in emotional permanence. Embracing this continuity fosters deeper trust, security, and resilience within relationships, reinforcing the enduring nature of emotions beyond immediate visibility. By fostering open communication, trust, and introspective practices that reinforce the belief in enduring emotions, individuals can strengthen their understanding of emotional permanence while simultaneously building a solid relationship with themselves.
