Do I Have An Anxious Attachment Style?: Patterns of Dating
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are ingrained patterns of behaviour formed in early childhood that influence how we connect with others in adulthood. Attachment styles are more malleable than initially thought and can be reinforced or adjusted throughout your experiences in dating. The anxious attachment style is characterized by a fear of abandonment and a constant desire for reassurance. Let’s explore some of the ways anxious attachment shows up in romantic relationships, as well as the unhelpful dating patterns that can emerge from an anxious attachment style.
Let’s start by going through this checklist of anxious attachment indicators.
Anxious Attachment Checklist:
Dating Patterns Associated With Anxious Attachment:
If you checked off many of the above anxious attachment indicators, you likely also experience some of the following patterns in dating:
Cycle of Push and Pull: Anxious attachment can create a cycle of push and pull in relationships. The fear of abandonment may lead to an overwhelming need for closeness and reassurance as well as hypervigilance of any behaviour changes, causing intense anxiety. This intensity can sometimes cause partners to pull away. This distance only intensifies the anxious attachment response creating this push and pull, inadvertently fulfilling the anxious person's fears.
Communication Challenges: Open and effective communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Anxious attachment can hinder communication, as fear and insecurity may prevent individuals from expressing their needs or concerns openly. This reluctance to communicate needs often stems from a fear of being seen as “needy”. It can also be difficult for someone who is anxiously attached to regulate their emotions in moments of activation. This interferes with their ability to express themselves clearly and effectively. This could show up in the form of aggressive or passive-aggressive communication or through “protest behaviours”. Protest behaviours are unhealthy and unhelpful ways of trying to receive reassurance or closeness from your partner. Some examples of this are repeated and excessive calls or texts or threats to end the relationship. These are intended to elicit a reaction from the partner that makes the anxiously attached person feel close again but often results in the opposite effect.
Mistaking Anxiety For Love: Periods of anxiety, insecurity and obsessiveness followed by relief, connection and excitement (every once in a while) become an indicator of really liking someone. In reality, this is your anxious attachment response showing you that you do not feel secure or safe with this person. When love becomes mistaken for an activated attachment system, secure partners (who don’t make you feel those intense emotions and ups and downs) are seen as boring and are often passed up or dismissed as not having a “spark”.
Conclusion:
Recognizing and understanding an anxious attachment style is the first step toward building healthier relationships. If you resonate with the signs mentioned above, seeking support from a therapist can provide valuable tools to navigate these challenges. Remember, self-awareness is the key to personal growth, and with the right guidance, you can cultivate more secure and fulfilling connections in your dating life.
