Attachment theory, pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby, identifies different attachment styles that shape how individuals connect with others. One such style that can significantly influence the dynamics of dating is the avoidant attachment style. In this blog post, we'll delve into the world of dating with an avoidant attachment style, exploring its characteristics and unveiling the patterns that often emerge in romantic relationships.

Attachment styles are developed early in life and are rooted in our experiences with caregivers. These styles continue to impact our relationships into adulthood, affecting the way we form connections and respond to intimacy. The avoidant attachment style is characterized by a deep-seated fear of emotional dependency, discomfort with emotional intimacy, and an inclination to maintain emotional distance in relationships.

The Avoidant Attachment Style:

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with intimacy, tending to prioritize independence over connection. These individuals may be uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability, leading them to build emotional walls and maintain a sense of self-reliance. While on the surface, avoidants may appear self-sufficient, beneath lies a fear of being emotionally engulfed or dependent on others.

Do you think you have an avoidant attachment style? Let’s start by going through this checklist of avoidant attachment indicators.

Avoidant Attachment Checklist:

Check off what you relate to:

If you experience many of these, you likely have an avoidant attachment style

You find yourself really liking someone initially but are quick to identify and get hung up on flaws and incompatibilities

You are hesitant to be "exclusive" with people

You prefer not to depend on your partner for things

You get annoyed with your partner (or the person you're dating) easily and without really knowing why

You easily feel smothered or like your partner is impinging on your independence

When the person you're dating shows that they really like you, you may feel discomfort and distance yourself

You often feel like you have one foot out of the door in relationships

You prefer not to share your inner thoughts and feelings with your partner (or person you're dating)

You prefer "situationships" or casual hookups to serious relationships

During conflict or disagreements, you tend to withdraw or shut down

You miss your partner when you're away from them but easily feel overwhelmed by spending too much time together

You worry that dating will impede on your independance or your time with friends

You are very uncomfortable with any signs of "clinginess" or "neediness" when dating people

Thank you!

Dating Patterns Associated With Avoidant Attachment:

If you checked off many of the above avoidant attachment indicators, you likely also experience some of the following patterns in dating:

Discomfort With Emotional Intimacy: Those with avoidant attachment may find themselves resisting emotional closeness and intimacy in dating. They may shy away from expressions of deep affection, making it challenging for their partners to feel truly connected. Furthermore, if the person they are dating expresses deep affection towards them, they may feel triggered, causing them to engage in what are called “distancing strategies”. Distancing strategies occur both outwardly in the form of distancing behaviour (e.g.: not responding to text messages) or internally in the form of thoughts or beliefs (e.g.: identifying flaws and incompatibilities with the person you’re dating). Distancing strategies are used to deactivate an activated attachment system and relieve discomfort.
Difficulty Opening Up: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may struggle to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. This reluctance to open up can create a barrier to meaningful communication, hindering the development of emotional intimacy.
Hot and Cold Behavior: Avoidants often exhibit a push-and-pull dynamic in relationships. They may oscillate between moments of intense closeness and sudden withdrawal, leaving their partners confused and uncertain about the stability of the relationship. If they are not triggered, they may accept that they really like the person they are dating or interested in dating. If they are pursuing dating someone, they may even put them on a pedestal in their mind, highlighting all the great qualities of this person and even assuming perfection. If they become triggered, however, they can be quick to dismiss the connection and pull back, ending the pursuit or ending the relationship.
Preference for Independence: Independence is a hallmark of the avoidant attachment style. Those with this attachment style may prioritize personal space and autonomy, sometimes at the expense of the emotional needs of their partners.
Difficulty Committing: Commitment can be a daunting prospect for individuals with an avoidant attachment style. They may feel uneasy about the idea of a long-term commitment and may avoid discussions about the future.

Navigating the complex terrain of dating with an avoidant attachment style requires understanding and empathy. Both partners play a crucial role in fostering a secure and supportive connection. Recognizing and addressing these patterns can pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships. By fostering open communication and creating a safe space for emotional expression, couples can work together to build a foundation of trust and intimacy that transcends the challenges associated with an avoidant attachment style.