Understanding Attachment Styles: How They Influence Your Relationships
Love & Attachment: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationships
Have you ever noticed patterns in your relationships that seem to repeat themselves, no matter who you’re dating? Maybe you feel a deep fear of abandonment when someone pulls away, or you find yourself craving independence the moment things start getting serious. These behaviors may not be random—they could be tied to your attachment style.
Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by psychologists like Mary Ainsworth and Amir Levine (Attached), suggests that how we connect with romantic partners is deeply influenced by our earliest relationships.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory explains how the emotional bonds we form with caregivers in early life influence the way we are in romantic partnerships in adulthood. Each attachment style affects our tendencies in communication, the way we respond to conflict, and to emotional needs in relationships.
Adult attachment can be classified into four main styles:
Anxious: You crave closeness but often worry about being abandoned or not being "enough."
Avoidant: You feel uncomfortable with emotional dependence and may push people away when they get too close.
Secure: You feel at ease in relationships, balancing closeness with independence.
Fearful-Avoidant: You want connection but fear getting hurt, leading to push-pull dynamics in relationships.
How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Love Life
If you’re anxious, you might text more when you feel uncertain, need lots of reassurance, or overthink small changes in your partner’s behaviour.
Try this: Before panicking over a delayed text, remind yourself: “Their mood is not a reflection of my worth.” Deep breathing, journaling, or talking to a trusted friend can help break the cycle of anxious thinking. Instead of seeking constant validation, remind yourself of your own worth and the stability of your relationship.
If you’re avoidant, you might feel like your partner is "too much" when they ask for emotional connection, or you pull away when things get serious.
Try this: Challenge yourself to express how you feel in small ways—even if it’s just saying, "I appreciate you." Emotional connection doesn’t mean losing independence.
If you’re fearful-avoidant, you might crave closeness but also fear getting hurt, leading you to push people away even when you want connection. You may experience a mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies, sometimes pulling close and other times withdrawing.
Try this: When you feel the urge to pull away, ask yourself: “Am I distancing because I need space or because I’m afraid?” Practicing self-soothing techniques and gradually building trust with safe partners can help create more secure relationships.
If you’re secure, congrats! You likely communicate your needs well, handle conflict without panic, and trust in your relationships. Keep doing you.
Here’s the thing- You’re not stuck in your attachment style forever! With the right self-work, awareness, and healthy relationships, you can move toward secure attachment—where love feels stable, fulfilling, and safe.
We all bring our past experiences into relationships, but they don’t have to define our future. By recognizing your attachment patterns, you can start making conscious choices that lead to deeper, more connected relationships—without losing yourself in the process. Growth takes time, so be patient with yourself. And remember, you deserve love that feels safe, supportive, and secure.
Do You want to learn more about your attachment style or how to break patterns in dating? Book an appointment with one of our therapists:
Check out these resources to dive deeper into attachment. These past blog posts include quizzes to help you determine your attachment style!
Do I Have a Secure Attachment Style?: Patterns of Dating
Do I Have a Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment Style?: Patterns of Dating
